James and the Giant Mangerine
by AWHOCKEYPUCKS
Summary: When Gustavo's love for Kendall goes a little too far, James and Kendall  and a few others  must team up to get revenge. But what do they do when they find out that they're way in over their heads? M for language and... themes.
1. Chapter 1

_My name is Pimpy. Ho McSlutface gets the next chapter. Enjoy._

* * *

"_Hey, Mole, be careful."_

"_Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?"_

"_Man, that kid is fucked up!"_

Kendall busted up laughing next to James, who couldn't help but do the same. The two were sitting in the living room of none other than their very own lovely Apartment 2J. It was well past ten o'clock, which was the designated bedtime Kendall's mom had set them, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. They were watching the South Park movie together, because what better way to celebrate their two month anniversary than by watching the greatest thing ever invented (besides bandanas and hockey, of course)?

"I swear," Kendall said breathlessly to James. "Matt and Trey: comic _geniuses._"

"Yeah," James agreed. "But genius or not, we need to be quiet; if your mom finds-"

"Yeah, yeah," Kendall waved off, eyes on the screen again. When James just stared at him, unimpressed with being cut off like that. Kendall laughed again and leaned in for a quick kiss. "Sorry."

"'S okay," James replied. All was forgiven. Now James' only problem was trying to keep himself from throwing himself on top of Kendall and swallowing him whole. But he knew that this was Kendall's favorite movie of all time and didn't want to get the shit beat out of him for trying to interrupt it. Frowning, he decided he would just have to wait. Besides, it was an insanely funny movie. Just. Its title wasn't helping his problem at all.

He firmly decided to just ignore his stupid hormones and instead focused on the movie. That little fucker Cartman hadn't pulled the switch to shut off the alarm and now Christophe was being chased by guard dogs.

_"Sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet__!" _he cried in his French accent as he hopped into the hole, the dogs hot on his trail. Kendall was cracking up next to James and James was trying his hardest to keep quiet, but it was impossible. But then Christophe came out of the tunnel on the end where Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman were, totally beat up and dying. Both Kendall and James were on the edge of the couch, watching wide-eyed. Christophe cursed God and coughed weakly, and when James looked over there were tears in Kendall's eyes. James felt a little choked up himself, but he was _not_ going to allow himself to tear up. That would be gay on so many levels. Kendall could cry all he wanted but James was _not_ the chick in this relationship.

Just when Christophe was breathing his last words with difficulty and Kendall was on the verge of tears, there was a loud crack from outside and both James and Kendall jumped in surprise, minds taken off of the comic genius before them. Kendall paused the movie while James' head snapped around to where the sound had come from.

"What was that?" Kendall hissed.

"I don't know. It came from outside." They both got up to investigate. James pulled up the blinds and hefted the window open, peering down at the darkness of the blacktop below, Kendall at his side. He squinted. There was very dim light coming from the windows further down, but it still took him a second to recognize the round, groaning form struggling to stand.

"Gustavo?" Kendall called down in surprise, coming to the same conclusion as James. Gustavo was sprawled on the ground, a broken tree branch lying splintered next to him. James' eyes found the tree next to the window he and Kendall were staring out of, and sure enough, he saw the last remaining fragments of the same branch clinging desperately to the tree. He sighed.

"What were you doing in the tree?" he demanded, glaring down at the vague form of the record producer.

"What tree?" Gustavo asked innocently. It wasn't even close.

"You know. The one you just _broke?_" James emphasized.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Gustavo denied firmly.

"_Gustavo._" Kendall broke in firmly.

"Fine. I was- I just need to talk to James." Kendall and James exchanged glances.

"Through the window?" James asked, raising his right eyebrow.

"Well- I didn't want to pay Bitters for going through his lobby this late or anything," Gustavo rushed out. He was very obviously lying, but James and Kendall waited patiently. "That fag's been trying to get money out of me ever since that video we shot in your goddamn apartment," he muttered, still resenting the fact that the boys had tricked him into letting them keep the apartment. And Kelly. Fucking Kelly. She was too nice for her own good.

"Whatever," Kendall brushed off. "You have our attention now. What do you want?"

"I have to talk to him _alone,_" Gustavo emphasized clearly. James rolled his eyes. "As in back at the studio."

"Gustavo, it's ten forty-five at night, I'm _not_ going to Rocque Records _now._"

"Hey, I gave you dogs the day off today." It was true. Normally they would have been getting back from a long day of work right about now, but for the occasion of Kendall and James' anniversary (anniversary was such a _gay_ word, James wished there were something more masculine they could use) they had persuaded Gustavo to let them spend the day with rest and relaxation, but he only relented because they had promised to spend the next day training extra hard by doing everything he said with no questions or backtalk. It was gonna be hard, but it was worth it.

James sighed heavily. "_Fine._ But you're gonna pay for this later."

"James, don't. Come on, whatever he wants I'm sure can wait until tomorrow. I mean, it's only a few hours away," he muttered resentfully.

"No, it can't!" Gustavo yelled up at them. Kendall glared down at him.

"I'll just go see what he wants, it'll probably only take a second," James promised Kendall. "Be down in a second!" he called to Gustavo, closing the window and the blinds. Kendall looked angry, but James just tried a lazy smile and planted a swift kiss to his lips. "See you in a bit, babe," he said reassuringly. Kendall finally relented, nodding.

"Okay," he agreed reluctantly. Then his eyes turned hard and his expression firm. "But forty-five minutes and I'm calling the cops."

James laughed. "Relax; I'll be fine." He headed out of the apartment, closing the door softly behind him and leaving Kendall behind, trying not to think of how this was totally ruining their anniversary- for lack of a better word, of course.

...

James stumbled out of Gustavo Rocque's office with a sore ass and bile rising in his throat.

He'd tried to fend him off, he really had. The second Gustavo's intentions had become clear, the sick, rotten bastard, James had pulled out his trusty Barracuda Mangerine Spray, all but drowning the larger man in a dangerously thick cloud of orange, but to his dismay, it hadn't worked.

Despite all the confusion and trauma he'd been put through, James knew one thing for sure: he did _not_ like taking it up the ass. He would have to let Kendall know so that James could always be the pitcher, no exceptions. He didn't think he'd ever be able to live through something like... _that_ ever again. He shuddered and began mentally preparing himself for his next encounter with his boyfriend.

This was not going to be easy.

* * *

_Review or the crows will eat you alive. This story is gonna be fucking epic. TAKE IT AWAY, HO MCSLUTFACE._


	2. Chapter 2

_LOL FAIL SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVERRRR SOBBBB FORGIVE MEEEEEE._

_Oh. Hey, guess what. We get an email every time someone favorites/alerts. THIS TIME YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE A REVIEW. THANKS TO THE FIVE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAD OPINIONS ABOUT THIS STORY GEEEEEZ. Oh btw I'm Ho McSlutface. NICE TO MEET YOU. HEART HEART HEART._

* * *

James was sore and confused and _scared_ and he didn't like this, not one bit. He felt like all of his dignity had been stripped from him—which had most likely happened when Gustavo stripped him of his clothes—as he limped back to the apartment. He didn't even know how he was going to tell Kendall about what happened, or if he even needed to. His appearance might be able to say all that he couldn't.

Too soon he reached his apartment door, and he honestly debated going in and facing Kendall or just be a coward and sleep in the hallway. But then he remembered Kendall talking about how he would call the cops if James wasn't back in forty-five minutes. Kendall would probably be mad at him if he reported to the police that his boyfriend was missing only to find him sleeping right outside their apartment door.

Besides, James wasn't the type of person to avoid confrontation. If there was one thing he learned from being friends or boyfriends or _whatever_ with Kendall was that he needed to face some situations head-on. And unfortunately, this situation was one of them.

He opened the door quietly, as it was late and he didn't want Mrs. Knight to wake up and be on his ass about breaking curfew. There was also the possibility that Kendall was passed out on the couch, because as James had also learned, there was not one place where Kendall couldn't fall asleep.

Though when he entered the apartment, he knew that Kendall wasn't asleep judging by the soft singing that was coming from the couch. Kendall hadn't seemed to notice that James had returned because he didn't even look up at the sound of the door shutting.

"_Excuse me while I turn up the volume, I lost sight of your eyes as someone walked by in the ballroom. Don't worry girl, I know just what you need—"_

James took a moment to compose himself before cutting Kendall off. "I hope that doesn't mean you're cheating on me," James said, adding a laugh onto the end to make it so Kendall knew he was joking. To him the sound came out wrong, making it sound like he was dying rather than laughing. But Kendall didn't seem to notice as he looked up and smiled at his boyfriend's appearance.

"Of course not," Kendall replied, pushing himself up and crossing the room to James within a few seconds. "It's just a song."

James nodded, trying to put on a smile. "Right," He said.

Kendall only smiled wider. He put his hand on James' forearm and didn't seem to notice the way his boyfriend flinched at the contact. But he _did_ notice when he tilted his head up for a kiss and James turned his head.

"What's wrong?" Kendall asked, the smile on his face fading. James had never denied him a kiss, _ever_. Either the world had come to an end or James thought he was disgusting. Kendall liked the first option better.

"Nothing," James said, trying his best to smile.

But Kendall gave him a, "don't pull that bullshit on me," kind of look and James sighed.

"Fine," He said, pulling away from Kendall and crossing his arms. "Everything is wrong."

James tried not to notice how Kendall immediately tensed at his words, how his boyfriend automatically went into over-protective mode at the simple prospect of something being bad in James' life. "What is it?" Kendall asked, his voice eerily calm.

"Uh," James began, trying to clear his throat. It was suddenly incredibly difficult to make any sort of noise. "Gustavo. Well, he sort of—kinda—maybe—definitely—100,000,000%-"

"Gustavo sort of kinda maybe definitely 100,000,000% did what?" Kendall interrupted, fists clenching at his sides.

James winced at this. He knew Kendall's reaction wasn't going to be good. "Herapedme," James said in a rush, hoping that Kendall didn't hear him and that they could forget this whole thing and go about in their merry way.

"He did _what_?" Kendall asked, and James wasn't sure if Kendall was asking him again because he didn't hear James the first time or because he couldn't believe what James said and needed to hear it again to make sure.

Either way, James repeated himself for reasons unknown to himself.

"He raped me," James said again, slower this time but also quieter. As he saw Kendall's eyes widen and anger cross his features, he tried to explain himself. "I didn't want it!" He defended. "Though I guess that's why they call it rape, because if I gave my consent it would be sex. But I tried to get him off me, I really did, I used my mangerine spray and _everything. _But then it ran out, and Gustavo still shove his—well, you know how rape works. And now I'm covered in mangerine spray and my butt hurts and I'm sosososo sorry!"

Kendall took a step forward, and James couldn't quite place the expression on his boyfriend's face. He looked angry but at the same time he looked sad. It was weird. James decided to call it _sangry_. He should submit such a word to whoever the hell writes the dictionaries.

"James, it's not your fault," Kendall said, placing a hand on James' arm. "But I _am_ going to find Gustavo, wherever the hell he is, and beat the flippin' shit out of him for even _thinking_ about touching you."

Kendall began to stalk towards the door but James grabbed onto his arm. "Are you crazy?" He demanded. "It's like, midnight! And like—I don't know. Can't this wait until morning?"

"No it can't wait until morning!" Kendall nearly screamed, and James had to shush him, reminding him that there were sleeping residents in the apartment. "You just got freaking raped and I'm not going to be able to sleep until Gustavo is dead."

James sighed. "That's a little extreme, don't ya think?"

Kendall nodded. "Yeah, it is. But the fat bastard deserves it." And without another word, he gently pried his arm out of James' grip and continued his epic journey towards the entryway of their apartment.

"Kendall?"

James' voice made Kendall stop in his tracks, and the boy with large eyebrows turned around to face his boyfriend slowly. The speed of his turn was merely for dramatic effect and it definitely proved to be…dramatic.

"Yeah, James?"

James looked down at his feet for a moment before he magically found confidence and looked back up. "When we…" He coughed and tried again. "When we have…_sex_…do you think. Do you think maybe _I_ could be the pitcher? Because like. When Gustavo raped me and junk, I realized that I didn't like having things stuck up my butt. And I thought that maybe you would be nice enough to be the catcher."

Kendall smirked at the blush on James' face. "James, that's fine with me," He told his boyfriend who, in turn, sighed in relief. He was glad that Kendall saw it his way. "Now if you'll excuse me," Kendall continued. "I have some fat ass to kick."

Without another word, Kendall left apartment 2J and officially began his adventure.

* * *

It had taken him a while, but Kendall finally arrived at Rocque Records and was now angrily storming down the hallway, ready to get into his bad boy persona and beat Gustavo to a pulp.

As he approached Gustavo's office, he wondered if his punches and kicks would even _hurt_ his evil and fat boss. He was so fat that he might not even feel it. Or maybe Kendall's fist or foot would get stuck in his rolls. That would be really disgusting.

Shaking his head to clear the bad thoughts, Kendall burst through Gustavo's open office door, coming to a stop right in front of the fat man in question. He crossed his arms and cleared his throat because apparently Gustavo was horrible at sensing when people entered the room.

"Kendall!" The large man said, a smile gracing his features. Kendall didn't fail to notice the way Gustavo's eyes kept flickering between his face and his crotch. He wish Gustavo was wearing sunglasses like he always was so that he didn't have to see such a site.

Kendall cut right to the point.

"Are you _really_ going to sit there being all fat and smile at my _crotch_ when you just freaking _raped_ my _boyfriend_?" He demanded, putting emphasis on several of the words. He felt as though it made things more dramatic and he felt more badass for doing so.

And then he wanted to punch Gustavo for looking confused.

"I don't know what you mean, dog," He said hastily, and again, Kendall could tell he was lying.

The blonde boy rolled his eyes. "Oh quit the crap. We both know that you raped James. You look like one giant mangerine right now."

Gustavo's eyes narrowed. "Is that a fat joke?"

Kendall gave him a _wtf_ look. "No shit it is!" He nearly exclaimed. "You're fat, Gustavo. Deal with it. You should also deal with the fact that I'm going to kick your goddamn ass for what you did!"

Gustavo smiled, and Kendall decided that Gustavo should never smile. It was gross.

But what happened after was the most gross thing to ever happen. _Ever_.

…

Kendall stumbled into the apartment around one in the morning, not-so-subtly clutching his ass and limping the entire way.

James shot up from the couch the minute his boyfriend entered the apartment. "What happened?" He demanded quietly. "Did you kick his ass? Please tell me you kicked his ass."

Much to James' disappointment, Kendall shook his head. "No," His boyfriend told him. "But what happened involved an ass. My ass, not his."

James' eyes widened as he realized what Kendall was implying. "He raped you?"

Kendall nodded and this time it was James who wanted to beat the shit out of Gustavo.

"What are we supposed to do?" James asked quietly, limping over to where Kendall stood.

Kendall shook his head again. "I don't know," He said. "But I want _revenge_."

* * *

_OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG WHAT THE FUCK IS KENDALL GONNA DO MAN. WHAT'SHEGONNADO. You know what I have no idea Pimpy has the next chapter. BUT HEY THIS TIME YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY REVIEW OR GUESS WHAT. Pimpy will mention everyone who favorited but didn't review. Hahah btiches now you have to. ILOVEYOU. I'M SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE SOBSOBSOB OKAY PIMPY LET'S GO MAN. NEW CHAPTER. LET'S NOT KEEP THE PEOPLE WAITING GODDDDD -is shot several times in the face-_


	3. Chapter 3

_FUUUUUU it's been a while lol. AND HERE'S A NICE BIG SHOUTOUT TO EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T REVIEW THE LAST CHAPTER BUT FAVED IT OR ADDED IT TO ALERTS. AHEM. 3taz2, Anna Akhmatova, DancingFanatic217, fuzzybuzz21, JimboSlice, Mandithewriter, penguin0491, snowbell112, sodapopwinchester, Tinkerbella Knight, ToXiCiTy13, YAOI addicted Kat, , iwishicouldbe, and surfcity22. SHAME ON ALL OF YOU. YOU THOUGHT WE WERE LYING DIDN'T YOU. YOU ARE NOW ON THE LIST OF SHAME. To everyone else: this is NOT a feature list, it is a list of SHAME that you do NOT want to be on. REVIEW, GUYS. OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES. Thank you._

_Here are a few apologies in advance for this chapter: I am sorry it sucks. I am sorry I fucked up the lines to Quiet Please, I feel like the devil- it's my fave Heffron Drive song. I am sorry Bandana Man is making no sense. I am sorry I posted this so freaking late. Oops. I am sorry this whole thing is cussing. Oops again._

_With no further ado, I present chapter THREE. _

* * *

A hurricane of purple, a volcano of purple, a _tsunami_ of purple- he had a serious case of the _own_ virus. There was no one more awesome than him. If a million awesome people lined up and tried to proclaim their awesomeness (like maybe Abraham Lincoln or Admiral Zhao or Stephen Kramer Glickman), all of them combined wouldn't even _compare_ to how awesome he was. He was _made_ of awesome. He made other awesomeness cry because none of it was his awesomeness. He was so awesome he could start a forest fire. He was so awesome he could give babies the power of flight. He was so awesome he could raise the dead, bring back dinosaurs, catch 'em all, foo, and most importantly-

"_You should know that you're the something that I hold onto when I'm left with nothing-"_

"Agh!" he shrieked in surprise, twisting and searching out his cell phone, eyes landing on a suspicious pile of clothing in the corner of the room.

"_I'm saying it poetically in hopes you don't see what I mean so read between the lines-"_

"Ahh, _dammit_ where are you?" he hissed to himself, throwing the clothing this way and that in his frantic search. Suddenly the upbeat digital melody flew past his ear as he tossed a pair of pants over his shoulder. _There._

"_I'm flying agai-"_

"Gotcha!" he exclaimed victoriously, lifting the offending object and accepting. "Hello?"

"_Where are you?" _demanded a pretty impatient-sounding voice on the other end. _"You said ten minutes and it's already quarter to nine and we're not gonna get anything done if you-"_

"Hey, hey, hey," he interrupted. "Dude, chill. I'm pretty much done. Just doing a- a quick lookover."

There was brief silence on the other end.

"_...You're looking at yourself in the mirror?"_

"No!" he denied, voice arcing up in panic. He began scrambling through the impossible-to-tame jungle of the room, kicking things around and knocking even more things off the shelves he tried to grab onto for support when he tripped over something on the floor. He cursed loudly. "N-no, no- I'm actually on my way right now, I'm- _ahh!_" The phone flew from his grasp as he thudded to the ground, another loud swear vacating his mouth. The voice was yelling in irritation, demanding to know "what the fuck just happened and are you still there and get over here right now or you're getting it for sure." He scuttled in an army crawl to the abandoned device, quickly snatching it up and holding it back to his ear again.

"S-sorry, I just- I tripped, I'll be right over."

"Whatever." _God, you're such an idiot._

"Hey!" he exclaimed. "I'm not _that_ stupid!" _Am I?_

"Yes. You are. And what the fuck are you talking about, I didn't say anything about you being stupid." _The hell?_

"Uh, yes. You did. I heard you loud and clear."

"Well I thought it, but I never said it."

"Oh. Oh okay, thanks dude." _Jerk._

_Wait. _"Wait, I- _telekinesis._"

_The fuck?_ "What?"

"Dude, we have psychic _powers._ Did you forget?"

_Oh shit, we totally do!_ "Of course not. I was waiting for you to remember."

"I might believe that if you weren't thinking otherwise."

"Damn you."

"Thank you."

"Why are we even still talking?"

"Right."

They hung up simultaneously.

_So where are you?_ came an annoying voice in his head. He rolled his eyes, sitting up and running his palm over his forehead.

_I'll be over in a minute, alright? I'm a little winded._

_Alright, but the world isn't gonna wait forever._

_Yeah, yeah. Can it._

_Fuck you._

_Fuck __**you.**_

_I would __**love**__ that._

_God!_

He rolled his eyes, trying to rid his mind of the mental images that ensued while making his way back to his feet and slipping the phone into his pocket. It was insane, his situation.

See, he was _Bandana Man._ Superhero extraordinaire, winner beyond belief, and just simply the _awesomest _thing to have ever existed. But he wasn't _always_ Bandana Man.

Funny story.

See, his memories weren't always his own. It was like- he shared a life with another person: James Diamond. But it wasn't to either person's consent, it had just- happened. They weren't allowed to exist at the same time, or else the world would end. So they took turns. And it was the weirdest thing ever, because James didn't even remember Bandana Man's memories or that he was Bandana Man or anything. He was just a sad, sad little mortal who dreamt of fame and fortune. And his little fuck buddy Kendall.

Fame could never beat _fighting crime._

Bandana Man just figured that only he could remember because he was a superhero and he got all the cool perks. Like telepathy and the power to remember his other life that wasn't his at all. James just knew that Bandana Man existed, but he had no idea of the _truth._ And may he never ever find out that truth, because Bandana Man was pretty sure that if he found out the world would end.

There were a lot of ways the world could end.

Bandana Man had a crime-fighting partner- The Iron Eyebrow Lad. Of course, unbeknownst to him, The Iron Eyebrow Lad was obviously Bandana Man's sidekick- he was just in denial. But that was okay, he'd figure out the truth eventually.

Anyway, the two of them had a mission, because James (and his little fuck buddy Kendall) was having a serious problem, and, of course, the only way to solve such a serious problem was to call on the most awesome superhero to ever exist, right? So James summoned Bandana Man (for he was the only one capable of doing so) and was now popped out of existence. But that was okay. He would come back eventually. Once everything was solved. Once Bandana Man had arrived, he had immediately contacted The Iron Eyebrow Lad- one couldn't just go off to destroy evil without a trusty sidekick by his side.

For a sidekick, The Iron Eyebrow Lad sure did have a lot of equality against Bandana Man. A fluke in the time-space continuum. It was okay. Someday that would have to be fixed. Today, however, was not that day.

_So it is now eight forty-nine in the morning, we have made no progress, and-_

_I'm coming, goddammit! _Bandana Man huffed as he headed outside into the chill-but-warming-up morning air. He wished James could have waited until, like, noon or something. It was way too early. Apparently not early enough to cancel out the millions of cars in the roadway.

"_Traffic!_" he cursed, clenching a fist.

_Just teleport._

_Shut up!_

Bandana Man had forgotten how to teleport. In fact, he had forgotten he could. It was crazy. Like James' memories were interfering with his own. It was irritating. He wanted it to stop.

So. Teleporting. Fun. How...?

Wait! He could just use his Magic Carpetandana (The Iron Eyebrow Lad thought that was a _dumb_ name for it, but what did that douche bag know?)! _Duh._

It took Bandana Man roughly two minutes and forty-seven seconds to arrive to the gas station, where The Iron Eyebrow Lad was waiting.

"Teleporting is instantaneous, you know."

"_You're_ instantinous!" Bandana Man snapped as he flicked his wrist to roll up his Magic Carpetandana and stow it away in his Amazing Utility Beltandana.

"Instantaneous, _ge-ni-us._ Let's go- Kendall and James gave us a few leads before they completely handed the mission over to us."

"Shut up!" Bandana Man huffed angrily and shook his head. "What leads."

"Gustavo's at Rocque Records. Kill him." The Iron Eyebrow Lad stuffed the sticky note into his D-belt, Bandana Man scoffing at the "originality" of that particular gesture. He got a mental image of a middle finger in his mind's eye.

"F- Stop it! We're supposed to be working here!"

"Sorry, your majesty. Let's get to Rocque Records and kill that fat bastard pedophile rapist fucking little I'llkillhim..." He trailed off into evil sounding death threats and Bandana Man raised his right eyebrow at his partner. After a moment The Iron Eyebrow Lad shook himself and finished, "And wrack up the cash."

"We work for free," Bandana Man informed him, eyebrow still raised. "True justice is always reward enough." The Iron Eyebrow Lad wiggled both eyebrows at Bandana Man, who stomped his foot and turned away in a furious huff. The Iron Eyebrow Lad laughed.

"Chill. It's all cool, dude."

"You know I hate it when you do that!"

"But Bandana Man... you know I don't mean it anyway, right?"

"Shut. Up." _Let's just get this overwith so I can get the hell away from you._

"Ooh, harsh. Wanna go kick some fat mangerine ass?"

Bandana Man remained still, and The Iron Eyebrow Lad sighed, grinning slightly. "Aw, _honey,_ did the mean Iron Eyebrow Lad make you mad? Does Bandana Man need a little... _relaxitude?_"

Bandana Man stiffened, back still turned to The Iron Eyebrow Lad. "You _wouldn't._"

"_Try me!_" The Iron Eyebrow Lad cried as he leapt forward, colliding with Bandana Man mid-pivot. Bandana Man shrieked as they crashed to the ground, then let out several more hysteric ones as he thrashed and kicked beneath his partner, who had him straddled and was fiercely running his spider fingers rapidly up and down Bandana Man's sides, his stomach, his neck, his armpits, his back- it all flashed past extremely quickly as the purple superhero beneath him was reduced to writhing, screeching ferocity. "Who's laughing _now?_"

"N-no, stop it, st-top it! Fu- goddam- _agh!_" Bandana Man twisted and turned, but The Iron Eyebrow Lad's weight was too much for him. All dignity ruthlessly stripped away, Bandana Man fell into coughing, choking, pained laughter, wriggling around futilely until The Iron Eyebrow Lad saw it fit to bestow mercy upon the poor, degraded soul.

They stared at each other with complete and utter silence, eyes locked, Bandana Man's chest heaving.

"You... you goddamn... asshole..."

The Iron Eyebrow Lad leaned in close to his face.

"You know you love it."

"_God!_" Bandana Man used his remaining strength to shove the other off of him, rolling away and leaping to his feet with ninja skills only he possessed. "You're so- fucking-"

"Irresistible?" The Iron Eyebrow Lad waggled his eyebrows, their tails waving out to their ends. Bandana Man gave an exaggerated roll of the eyes and placed his hands on his hips.

"_No._" His partner chuckled.

"Let's go."

"Alright."

The Iron Eyebrow Lad then did the Macarena in hyper speed before doing a ballerina spin and disappearing into thin air. Bandana Man stared at the spot he'd been in disbelief, immediately slapping his palm to his forehead. Oh yeah, _that_ was how you teleported!

_Dumabss._

_I'd rather take my Magic Carpetandana any day._

After arriving to Rocque Records late and meeting a very irritated The Iron Eyebrow Lad, they strolled inside the building, together, oblivious to the multiple stares they were attracting. When they arrived to their destination, they both stopped in front of it right at the same time, each expecting the other to proceed. When neither did, Bandana Man spoke:

"Go ahead."

"You first."

"What? No, preposterous. I wouldn't want to be too _forward._"

"Ladies first."

"Go _ahead._"

"Teach me your courageous ways, oh wise leader!"

"Fuck no, you're my sidekick and I _order_ you to get the fuck in there now!"

"Sidekick _this!_"

The Iron Eyebrow Lad swung his foot out and around to Bandana Man's shin in a wide arc, effectively crippling the latter of the two.

"Goddammit! You little-" Bandana Man lunged at The Iron Eyebrow Lad, who yelped and jumped away; Bandana Man grabbed hold of his ankle and pulled him back, bringing him crashing to the floor, where Bandana Man proceeded to kick him violently in his own shin. "That's what you- _Fuck!_"

The Iron Eyebrow Lad yanked him down with him, causing him to land on his elbow in the least funny way possible, making the spot of impact ring painfully. "I'll kill you!"

"Not if I kill you first!"

And the two forgot completely about their mission in their continuous efforts to get back at the other and get away with being the one to throw the last punch. Their screeching and yelling death threats did not go unnoticed, however; the door to Gustavo Rocque's office creaked slowly, slowly open, two beady, squished eyes peering out to behold the scuffling, spitting pair. The eyes continued to stare for another minute or so, apparently amused by the quarrel. At some point The Iron Eyebrow Lad caught sight of this and immediately snapped upright, completely forgetting about his competition with his partner.

"What the-"

The door instantly slammed shut, attracting the attention of Bandana Man, who apparently hadn't noticed his sidekick's lack of participation. "The hell was that," he commented in a low, still-angry voice.

"Dunno," The Iron Eyebrow Lad answered back. Cautiously he stood, stepping lightly to the door, while Bandana Man slowly followed, keeping well behind.

"Careful," he advised, making The Iron Eyebrow Lad roll his eyes and take the last big step forward, wrenching the door open harshly. He smirked in satisfaction when he heard Bandana Man gasp loudly behind him, pointedly stepping inside the room.

"The Iron Eyebrow Lad!" Bandana Man whisper-yelled. "Get back here, now!"

The Iron Eyebrow Lad waved him off over his shoulder and advanced. Bandana Man threw his hands up in exasperation (defeat) and followed his annoying sidekick into the room, pushing aside his fear that was in actuality nonexistent. He came right up behind The Iron Eyebrow Lad and placed his hand on his shoulder, the other tensing up slightly before relaxing when he glanced behind and saw it was only his partner. Together they warily crept to the chair, which had its back facing them. Tension and suspense built within the two with every step they took, getting closer, closer, closer...

They reached the chair- still unmoved- and in a random burst of courage, The Iron Eyebrow Lad swatted it so it spun around towards them, jumping back and nearly knocking Bandana Man over in the process. Both held their breath, ready to attack, but alas- the record producer was nowhere to be seen. In his place, sitting on the chair, was a- a _cake_. Bandana Man and The Iron Eyebrow Lad exchanged perplexed glances. There was something written on the cake's surface with pink icing that clashed with its otherwise blue exterior. They simultaneously leaned closer to read more clearly.

_404 Error_

_Gustavo not found_

"We're gonna need some backup."

* * *

_I am officially a huge dork. LOL. Yes you have to capitalize "The" in The Iron Eyebrow Lad's name. Anything less is blasphemous. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last two chapters, we hope to see you again soon. As for the rest of you... WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I sound like a douche bag today. Sorry._

_If anyone was confused by The Iron Eyebrow Lad's apparently wavy eyebrows, here's a picture of him: ht tp:/ /www. flickr. com/photos/58477961N06/5364982555/in/photostream/ (remove spaces) YEAH. And I'm guessing everyone knows what Bandana Man looks like. Ho's coming up with the next chapter GOOD LUCK YOU GET TO WORK WITH THIS CRAP. I love you. _

_REVIEW OR LIST OF SHAME FOR YOU._

_ps the link doesn't work OOPS. 'Til next time, my friends. *salutes*_


	4. Chapter 4

_Oh no it's me the Ho but guess what bitches? I has Reese's Pieces. Now yew be jealous hmmm? Anyways holy shit last chapter was intense huh? Yeah it was don't even fucking deny it. Sorry for the swearing it's a bad habit of mine._

_Anyway you whores thanks for reviewing and sharing your thoughts but I ain't giving any of you pennies. Me likey Abraham Lincoln._

_Did I mention that Ho McSlutface and any sort of chocolatey peanut butter goodness does not make a good combo? Really, ask Pimpy, I go kookoo bananas._

_

* * *

_"El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man, get your lazy ass out here right this instant!" Brainiac screamed, his voice ringing throughout the apartment. His comrade was currently taking forever to get ready; it reminded Brainiac of Bandana Man when he was getting ready.

The reply that came from down the hall sounded irritated. "You don't know how long it takes to put on spandex!" El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man screamed back.

Brainiac rolled his eyes. Of _course_ he knew how long it took to put spandex on, seeing as his costume also consisted of the synthetic material. Sighing, he adjusted his Epic Cape of Awesometude and made sure his Belt of Epic Mathematical Proportions was secured. After making sure that everything about his appearance was perfect, he called back, "I actually do! But it doesn't matter anyway. Bandana Man and The Iron Eyebrow Lad sent out a distress call. Does that mean anything to you? We're supposed to meet them at the HQ in-" He paused to look at the sun and decipher exactly what time it was, "One minute and forty-two seconds!"

"Don't get your brains in a bunch, Brainiac," El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man said, suddenly appearing in front of Brainiac. He must have used teleportation. "I swear, one day it's going to explode and Bandana Man and The Iron Eyebrow Lad are going to make _me_ hose it off the walls."

Again, Brainiac rolled his eyes. El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man's alter ego in a parallel universe, Carlos, was apparently a pain sometimes-at least, according to Logan's thoughts, which Brainiac could read despite the fact that Logan had currently disappeared somewhere in the space time continuum. It was an advantage Brainiac held over the rest of his superhero friends.

"Yeah right," He finally said. "You wouldn't do anything. But before you go into El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock _Bitch_ mode, can we please go? We have 24 seconds. You know how angry The Iron Eyebrow Lad gets when people are late."

El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man didn't argue with Brainiac there. Without another word, both heroes did the routine for teleporting; macarena in hyper speed and a ballerina spin to finally disappear.

Seconds later, Brainiac and El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man appeared in a room shrouded with darkness. According to Brainiac's Brain Watch, they had approximately 12.6 seconds until Bandana Man and The Iron Eyebrow Lad would appear.

They waited impatiently, Brainiac tapping his foot all the while. No one was allowed to turn on the light until all four heroes were at Headquarters, and right now…The Iron Eyebrow Lad and Bandana Man were _late_.

It was a bad habit but Brainiac started counting the seconds they were late by. _One, one and one fourth, one and one half, one and three fourths, __**two**_—

"You're late!" He exclaimed just as he sensed The Iron Eyebrow Lad and Bandana Man's presence. "And not even by a fourth of a second—it's been a whole two seconds, guys!" He snapped his fingers and the light turned on, revealing the faces of Bandana Man, The Iron Eyebrow Lad, and El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man. The Iron Eyebrow Lad looked more irritated than usual, the tails of his eyebrows spanning several inches from his face. Brainiac knew that this only happened when The Iron Eyebrow Lad got angry.

Brainiac was right. "Well, we _would_ be on time if Bandana Man didn't keep forgetting how to teleport," He said pointedly. Bandana Man only looked more outraged than he previously had and El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man snickered at this. Brainiac only rolled his eyes.

"That's stupid," El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man said, giggling. "I mean really, all you have to do is the macarana in hype—"

"We know!" Bandana Man cut in irritably. "But somehow James is affecting my ability to remember things in this universe."

Brainiac gave Bandana Man a look. "That sounds like a personal problem," He said. "Now can we please talk about what's happening? Why did you signal the distress call?"

The Iron Eyebrow Lad nodded. "Right," He said. "Well, Evil Emperor Rocque-also known as _Goo-stahv-oh_-has harmed both Kendall and James, who in turn made a distress call to Bandana Man and I. We went to assess the situation at Rocque Evil Lair of Evil, but Evil Emperor Rocque disappeared before we could kick his ass."

"It was annoying," Bandana Man chimed in flatly. "All the cake said was _404 Error Gustavo not found_. The Iron Eyebrow Lad and I didn't know what to do, so we came to you. And now we're here!"

"I figured that out Bandana Man," Brainiac said. "Now that we know what the situation _is_, I say we sit down and assess what exactly we're going to do."

Suddenly, four chairs appeared out of nowhere for the heroes to sit in; Brainiac had always been good at summoning things like that. However, the four chairs made the small room much more crowded than it had been. Headquarters was the supply closet on the second floor in which Bandana Man had once locked Bitters the Tyrant in. The Iron Eyebrow Lad, Brainiac and El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man had all been furious with Bandana Man for giving away the whereabouts of their super secret Headquarters, but with the help of Brainiac's nifty ability to erase people's memory, their secret was preserved.

The four heroes took their respective seats and once they were all seated, The Iron Eyebrow Lad spoke. "Alright, let's brainstorm."

A belt of thunder suddenly tore through the room and all eyes immediately went to Brainiac. In the clear glass dome that was his head, they could see storm clouds surrounding his large brain. Every few seconds, a flash of lightning would appear.

The Iron Eyebrow Lad rolled his eyes. "We didn't mean to _literally_ brainstorm, Brainiac."

Bandana Man muttered a quick _show off_ before Brainiac crossed his arms and huffed, effectively getting rid of the storm in his mind. The storm clouds moved into oblivion and a bright, shining sun appeared in its place. Then a rainbow suddenly shot across his mind, making a colorful arch over Brainiac's impressively large brain. Right when they thought it was over, it wasn't, for a unicorn suddenly came out of nowhere and flew back and forth across the rainbow, his shining horn glistening in the sunlight and it's long, purple mane flowing out behind it. A leprechaun appeared at the end of the rainbow and started throwing gold coins into the air, all of the pieces landing on Brainiac's brain.

"Woah," El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man said in awe, staring at the spectacle that Brainiac had created in his mind. "I want a unicorn!"

Brainiac glared at him. "You can't have Sparkles, he's _mine_," He hissed, "Now can we please focus?"

"I can't focus if you have that fantasy world going on in your head!" Bandana Man exclaimed. "The beauty—it's too strong—I can't f-focus—"

The Iron Eyebrow Lad placed a hand on Bandana Man's shaking shoulder. "You will learn to focus, young grasshopper," He said softly. Suddenly, the tail of his eyebrow extended and he slapped Brainiac in the face. "Get rid of the unicorn!"

"But Sparkles—"

"_Get rid of him!_" The Iron Eyebrow Lad roared, slapping Brainiac again. Brainiac grumbled, glaring at The Iron Eyebrow Lad as he forced Sparkles and all of his beauty to retreat into the back of his mind, where no one could see them. "Good," The Iron Eyebrow Lad said. "Now I really think we should come up with an idea as to how to defeat Emperor Rocque. He is bound to have assistance from The Wainwright—El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man, we need _help_!"

Bandana Man and Brainiac turned to see a flaming space rock sitting in El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man's chair. Obviously, El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man had utilized one of his only powers to avoid helping the other League members try to figure out how to beat Emperor Rocque.

"Oh leave him alone," Brainiac said. "He gets real bitchy when you wake him from his flaming space rock slumber."

A face appeared on the flaming space rock, one that looked exactly like El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man's. "It's true," The face said, its voice even _sounding_ like El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man's, "I do get real bitchy. I'll set chu on fire, bitches!"

The Iron Eyebrow Lad rolled his eyes. "Alright then," He said, his voice laced with irritation. "Um, so Emperor Rocque. Anyone have an idea on how to beat him?"

"I say sneak attack," Bandana Man chimed in. "Cos he only disappeared last time because he heard me and The Iron Eyebrow Lad fighting—epically, of course. So like, if we snuck up on him from behind then maybe he wouldn't have a chance to disappear."

Brainiac shook his head. "But we don't know his evil powers. What if he has eyes in the back of his head or something?"

The Iron Eyebrow Lad stood, resting his fists on his hips. The tails of his eyebrows and his cape started waving in an unknown breeze, and a bright light appeared behind his head as he slowly turned his head to look at something above. Brainiac, Bandana Man, and even El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man looked at him in pure awe.

"That's just a risk we'll have to take."

* * *

_Because my chapters are shorter than Pimpy's and besides this one just introduced Brainiac and El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man, who cannot be referred to as anything but._

_ANYWAY I BET YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT THE LIST OF SHAME BUT I DIDN'T HAHA.__ Anna Akhmatova, DancingFanatic217, fuzzybuzz21, JimboSlice, Mandithewriter, penguin0491, snowbell112, sodapopwinchester, Tinkerbella Knight, ToXiCiTy13, YAOI addicted Kat, , iwishicouldbe, and surfcity22. ONLY ONE PERSON REDEEMED THEMSELVES BUT NO LEAVING BITCHY REVIEWS NEXT TIME KAY?_

_I lyk potatoes PIMPY TAKE THIS SHIT OH WAITTTTTTTTT FFFFFFF_

_OKAY SO LAST TIME IT DIDN'T WORK THIS IS THE IRON EYEBROW LAD BY PIMPY __h ttp:/ /www. flickr. com/photos/58454255N02/5382717720/__ REMOVE THEM SPACES_

_AND THIS IS BRAINIAC BY ME ht tp:/ /www. flickr. com/photos/58454255N02/5365091803/in/photostream/ SORRY IT'S NOT ALL FANCY AND DIGITAL PIMPY HAS A TABLET THINGY AND I DON'T BUT IMMA GET ONE I PROMIIIISEEE I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE HELP ME OUT_

_WE DIDN'T DRAW BANDANA MAN AND EL HOMBRE DEL FLAMING SPACE ROCK MAN CAUSE BM IS FROM BIG TIME CRIB AND LOVE SONG AND EL HOMBRE DEL FLAMING SPACE ROCK MAN IS FROM BIG TIME CONCERT SO YOU BITCHES SHOULD KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. _

_Okay bai_


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